Food – It's All In My Head

Weight

Good morning reader.

I hate that word. Weight. Such a simple word. Too much importance in our society is put behind this word. Weight.

Weight.

I obsess about my weight. It’s one of the serious problems I have and it’s exhausting. Honestly sometimes I tell myself I should just eat what I want, get fat, and give up. Yet I know my eating disorder would never let me do something like that. It would destroy me. If eating something small like an orange that isn’t on my daily tracker sends me into a hysterical meltdown I highly doubt I will be changing lifestyles that drastically anytime soon.

I used to weigh myself on a daily basis. It was all consuming. If my weight fluctuated even just a little bit I would cry and scream and call myself a fat cow. That’s one of the more common names I have given myself.

For the past few months I haven’t been weighing myself. It’s a sickening feeling when I think about not knowing what I weigh. But i know myself. If I were to weigh myself and have gained a decimal of weight since the last time – I would lose it. It would set me back months on the progress I have made toward not caring about the number. Because I do. It’s sickening.

Weight. When I see or think of that word I think of a scale. Another simple word.

I bought a scale while still living with my parents. I weighed more then. I think. I don’t know – remember I haven’t weighed myself in months. Anyway, I obsessed about the number. My fiance got sick of my behavior. Started hiding the scale where even if I found it, I wouldn’t be able to reach. I’m only 5 ft tall so it’s not hard. Eventually he got rid of it as I would find ways to get the scale. Weigh in. And cry until I made myself sick.

I’m glad that hasn’t happened for awhile. It was exhausting.

I don’t think I would be able to weight myself today even if I wanted to. The nerves alone just thinking about it makes me sick. What if I’ve gained a lot of weight? How do I know if that’s muscle or fat?

I realize that someone could tell me I look great. I have definitely lost weight. Beautiful even. And if the scale has gone up those comments don’t matter. I don’t know how many times I have told Sam that nothing he could say will matter. Because he will love me no matter what. What happens now?

As I am sitting here I am feeling ill and am thinking about all the things I did today that have probably set back my weightloss goal. Sometimes I feel crazy. Like there is another person inside me that comes out when I go to this dark place. Like I am being smothered by another me. Weird. Scary. Makes me think that that other person will never go away. Not unless I lose the weight. Not unless I SEE the me I want to be staring back at me in the mirror. I have a feeling though that I will never get there. Not that I won’t get to the weight or physical ideal I have set for myself. But that my brain will always want to do better. That I will always have that sense of failure. No matter what.

Wow that was heavy. And yet I don’t feel better. I feel worse. Maybe I should try and write about the topics that are my achilles heal when I am in an upswing. Just a thought.

Keeping this short as my mood has shifted drastically. Hearing those cruel phrases in my mind as I type this. I will leave you with this: It’s ok to be sad but something I have actively been working on is not taking out all the scary, angry emotions about myself on my best friend/my partner in life. I know that every day is hard and I struggle even on a small level every day with those thoughts running through my head. But I can see the toll it is taking on Sam. He can only take so much on top of his own day to day issues and feelings. It’s an uphill battle that I am working on every day. Some days are better than others. But that’s what healing is all about. Making mistakes and learning. And I plan on making many mistakes if that means I get closer to my goal.

Not my weight goal.

The happiness goal.

Until tomorrow.

Overwhelming Feelings

Featured StephanieLeave a comment

Good morning reader. Today I want to talk about something that everyone has experienced at some point. Guilt. I can’t count how many times I’ve gotten mad at myself or had a crying breakdown because I felt guilty for something. Mainly food related. How do we navigate these feelings? Especially when being told to just buck up or get over it. The feelings of guilt that I have are probably what derail my progress of getting better more often than not.

I track my food on a daily basis. Everything that I eat gets scanned or plugged into my food/calorie tracker the night before during meal prep. At first it was this cool app I discovered to help me keep track of what I was eating and to try and lose a bit of weight I had gained when my fiance and I moved in together 2 years ago. Today is a completely different story. The transformation of how obsessed I am with my tracker is astounding. It has influenced the amount that I workout so I can see how many calories I’ve burned compared to intake. It has influenced the number of daily calories I allow myself to take in every day. This alone has caused many fights in my home as the number continues to drop past the threshold I promised never to cross. At the time I was being honest about never crossing the line. But then I started to feel guilty.

I don’t know how many people have this mindset about food but I think it’s pretty common. First you start out at a reasonable, easy to maintain number of calories you allow yourself in a day. No problem. Slowly you start to lower the numbers – within a reasonable amount – until you hit a large but sustainable defiicit between calories in and calories out. I have come to the point where I am only allowing myself 600 calories in my tracker. 600. How did I get here? The scary part is that I thought my brain would see the number and say ok. The tracker says 600 so if I have those little snacks that I always try to avoid but inevitably end up eating won’t cause me too much strife because I am eating so little. That’s not what happened.

I feel guilty eating above my calorie allowance for the day. I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach when I see the counter reach 750. 800. Based on the amount that I workout and my fitness level I should be eating closer to 1300 calories a day. But now I can’t go back. My brain won’t let me go back up. It’s like once I started decreasing the number I didn’t think of the consequences that come with irrational thinking. Because my eating disorder doesn’t allow for rational thoughts 95% of the time. But I didn’t think about it because I never thought I would get to this place. I never thought I would reach the point where seeing a number on a counter would cause such utter disappointment in myself. That immense guilt is mixed with overwhelming disappointment in myself that I can’t just follow the plan I have set for myself.

Even as I write this post my mood is just turning sour thinking about how I failed yesterday to follow my strict diet and workout regiment. I know it is not sustainable but I also don’t know that. Does that make sense? I know it’s wrong but I want to see results faster and more drastic changes that I am seeing right now. And I have reached the end of my limit.

I know I am not the only person out there who has dealt with this issue. I know that other people have overcome this problem and are healthy and happy. I get little spurts of body positivity and empowerment every once in awhile and it’s amazing. It’s what allows me to on rare occasions enjoy chicken strips from my favorite college hangout or get an ice cream cone when on vacation. But it takes seconds. SECONDS. For those guilty voices to start up in my mind. For my focus to shift from the happy moment to how my big arms feels against my side. I will look in a window or mirror the next moment I can and just feel and see all the flaws. How big my legs are, how my arms look big compared to my body and how I shouldn’t wear short sleeves or a tank top. Just all the insecurities are being fed by the guilt for eating something.

This is why you’re fat.

This is why you’re not losing weight.

This is why you’re gaining weight.

Ugh I’m getting fatter.

I could go on. But I won’t. As everyone who has an unhealthy relationship with food and their body has their own library of phrases they have told themselves. As I’m sure many people have experienced, the phrases get more direct and cruel the longer you have been saying them to yourself. That’s one of the main problems I think. Being your own worst critic. No one will critique you to the level at which you will critique yourself. Easy to know, hard to let go of that little critique in your mind. Baby steps.

I am sure I will return to this topic at some point as it is a feeling I grapple with on a regular basis. It may not be as easily identifiable as the title but it will be in the words and feelings I express. Each day will be different. Some days will be nothing but positivity. Others will be like this. Where the post slowly becomes more focused on what I hate about myself in the moment. What I am feeling. Rather than the journey as a whole. But I guess that’s the point of this blog. To write how I feel every day so I can work through the destructive thoughts and behavior. Crossing my fingers.

Since that was a lot of negativity on my part, I will leave you with this: It can get better. You can feel better. I know because I have had moments, even weeks at a time where I feel GOOD. Like truly happy with myself and where I am physically and mentally. I’ve had a taste of what normalcy could feel like if I had this thing under control. It is a feeling I strive for. It’s easy to forget when you’re in the dark, sad moments. It’s what makes the journey so difficult. But so worthwhile at the end of the tunnel.

I want to just say that the end of the tunnel, the end of the journey looks different for everyone. I have a feeling that my journey will be a lifelong one where I will have good days and I will have dark days where I am destructive and in that place I hope to never return to. My hope is to prolong the amount of time in between the downs. Increase the length of time I feel happy and content. I don’t think the sadness and feelings I have about myself will ever go away completely. I can only strive for feeling happy as long as possible.

Do something that brings you happiness and get rid of the people and things that bring you down. It can be something small. Just go for it.

Until tomorrow.

Obsessed

Featured Stephanie2 Comments

Good morning readers. Or reader. Or just myself. I wanted to talk about obsession. It’s a word I use a lot when describing myself. “I’m obsessed with counting calories. I’m obsessed with what my body looks like.” My mother and boyfriend use it sometimes but more when they’re at the end of their patience and I won’t shut up about food or dieting or exercise.

I haven’t always been like this. It sort of crept up on me til one day I realized I couldn’t eat anything out of the “safe zone” without feeling immense guilt which on occasion lead to intense breakdowns with full blown crying at screaming. Not a good look. And not a healthy regular occurance for my now fiance to deal with. I feel very lucky to call him that considering all the rollercoaster of emotions he has had to deal with over the past 5 years.

Looking back I can’t actually pinpoint the moment when my hobby turned into an obsession. I went to college as such a happy young woman who was nervous about going away to school without any of my friends. Didn’t take long for me to make a few and I can only think of a handful of memories that weren’t full of laughter and poor (stupidly fun) decisions. Which I am sure will come up later in this blog if I manage to remember through all the other things on my mind I want to write down.

Like I said I can’t remember what happened to me. In this moment I think it might have been when I came back from school for some break and was told I looked amazing. Like I had lost some weight. That compliment alone is such an amazing thing to hear but life altering in the worst way at the same time. I started craving that recognition of my family and friends. I liked being known as the girl in my friend group who was athletic and fit. I had always been on the muscular size and decent at sports without trying, I just had quite a bit of fat covering it all up. Once I started to shed some weight and get noticed, without me knowing it things started to take a really dark turn. It was a subtle shift and wouldn’t make itself known until my last quarter in my senior year of college. Until then I would happily play the role of “curvy” athletic girl who went to the gym daily but still knew how to eat carbs, alcohol and every once in awhile order pizza late at night with her roommate without worrying about how many calories I was eating and not burning.

I wish I could go back to my freshman year self and tell her you are beautiful just the way you are. You are going to meet someone in 2 years who is going to love you for you. Your friends could care less if you weighed 90 pounds or 160 pounds. But 20/20 hindsight right? I can’t go back and the damage has already been done. The hope I have is that this thing, this obsession with my body image is going to get better. This blog is the last attempt I have at trying to help myself. I want to be able to look back on these last few years in my life knowing that I was the one who fixed it. That sounds pretty unlikely and I will probably eventually get outside help. But for now, this is what i’ve got.

I will leave you (whomever might be reading this) with this: You aren’t alone in obsessing about your body or what you look like. It may feel that way because people are afraid to tell their stories. To share what they’re going through. If one person can relate to this then that’s better than what I was expecting.

Until tomorrow.