Good morning reader. Today I want to talk about something that everyone has experienced at some point. Guilt. I can’t count how many times I’ve gotten mad at myself or had a crying breakdown because I felt guilty for something. Mainly food related. How do we navigate these feelings? Especially when being told to just buck up or get over it. The feelings of guilt that I have are probably what derail my progress of getting better more often than not.
I track my food on a daily basis. Everything that I eat gets scanned or plugged into my food/calorie tracker the night before during meal prep. At first it was this cool app I discovered to help me keep track of what I was eating and to try and lose a bit of weight I had gained when my fiance and I moved in together 2 years ago. Today is a completely different story. The transformation of how obsessed I am with my tracker is astounding. It has influenced the amount that I workout so I can see how many calories I’ve burned compared to intake. It has influenced the number of daily calories I allow myself to take in every day. This alone has caused many fights in my home as the number continues to drop past the threshold I promised never to cross. At the time I was being honest about never crossing the line. But then I started to feel guilty.
I don’t know how many people have this mindset about food but I think it’s pretty common. First you start out at a reasonable, easy to maintain number of calories you allow yourself in a day. No problem. Slowly you start to lower the numbers – within a reasonable amount – until you hit a large but sustainable defiicit between calories in and calories out. I have come to the point where I am only allowing myself 600 calories in my tracker. 600. How did I get here? The scary part is that I thought my brain would see the number and say ok. The tracker says 600 so if I have those little snacks that I always try to avoid but inevitably end up eating won’t cause me too much strife because I am eating so little. That’s not what happened.
I feel guilty eating above my calorie allowance for the day. I just get that sinking feeling in my stomach when I see the counter reach 750. 800. Based on the amount that I workout and my fitness level I should be eating closer to 1300 calories a day. But now I can’t go back. My brain won’t let me go back up. It’s like once I started decreasing the number I didn’t think of the consequences that come with irrational thinking. Because my eating disorder doesn’t allow for rational thoughts 95% of the time. But I didn’t think about it because I never thought I would get to this place. I never thought I would reach the point where seeing a number on a counter would cause such utter disappointment in myself. That immense guilt is mixed with overwhelming disappointment in myself that I can’t just follow the plan I have set for myself.
Even as I write this post my mood is just turning sour thinking about how I failed yesterday to follow my strict diet and workout regiment. I know it is not sustainable but I also don’t know that. Does that make sense? I know it’s wrong but I want to see results faster and more drastic changes that I am seeing right now. And I have reached the end of my limit.
I know I am not the only person out there who has dealt with this issue. I know that other people have overcome this problem and are healthy and happy. I get little spurts of body positivity and empowerment every once in awhile and it’s amazing. It’s what allows me to on rare occasions enjoy chicken strips from my favorite college hangout or get an ice cream cone when on vacation. But it takes seconds. SECONDS. For those guilty voices to start up in my mind. For my focus to shift from the happy moment to how my big arms feels against my side. I will look in a window or mirror the next moment I can and just feel and see all the flaws. How big my legs are, how my arms look big compared to my body and how I shouldn’t wear short sleeves or a tank top. Just all the insecurities are being fed by the guilt for eating something.
This is why you’re fat.
This is why you’re not losing weight.
This is why you’re gaining weight.
Ugh I’m getting fatter.
I could go on. But I won’t. As everyone who has an unhealthy relationship with food and their body has their own library of phrases they have told themselves. As I’m sure many people have experienced, the phrases get more direct and cruel the longer you have been saying them to yourself. That’s one of the main problems I think. Being your own worst critic. No one will critique you to the level at which you will critique yourself. Easy to know, hard to let go of that little critique in your mind. Baby steps.
I am sure I will return to this topic at some point as it is a feeling I grapple with on a regular basis. It may not be as easily identifiable as the title but it will be in the words and feelings I express. Each day will be different. Some days will be nothing but positivity. Others will be like this. Where the post slowly becomes more focused on what I hate about myself in the moment. What I am feeling. Rather than the journey as a whole. But I guess that’s the point of this blog. To write how I feel every day so I can work through the destructive thoughts and behavior. Crossing my fingers.
Since that was a lot of negativity on my part, I will leave you with this: It can get better. You can feel better. I know because I have had moments, even weeks at a time where I feel GOOD. Like truly happy with myself and where I am physically and mentally. I’ve had a taste of what normalcy could feel like if I had this thing under control. It is a feeling I strive for. It’s easy to forget when you’re in the dark, sad moments. It’s what makes the journey so difficult. But so worthwhile at the end of the tunnel.
I want to just say that the end of the tunnel, the end of the journey looks different for everyone. I have a feeling that my journey will be a lifelong one where I will have good days and I will have dark days where I am destructive and in that place I hope to never return to. My hope is to prolong the amount of time in between the downs. Increase the length of time I feel happy and content. I don’t think the sadness and feelings I have about myself will ever go away completely. I can only strive for feeling happy as long as possible.
Do something that brings you happiness and get rid of the people and things that bring you down. It can be something small. Just go for it.
Until tomorrow.
It's All In My Head 