Journey – It's All In My Head

Good Afternoon Readers.

I don’t like to be touched. Let me elaborate. One of the side effects of hating what I look like physically is that I don’t like to be touched in certain places. I’ve been experiencing this for a few years and maybe with all the happy events happening in my life I hadn’t thought about it for awhile. I was distracted. Now that time has passed it is almost like I am hyper aware. My anxiety about being touched is increasing exponentially. So much that I think about it when I am communicating with anyone within reaching distance.

My arms are my Achilles heel. I DO NOT like to be touched on my arms. I don’t wear tight tops, I don’t wear short sleeves and you can be sure that I wear billowy, flowing tops and dresses in the summer because I won’t ever be seen wear spaghetti straps.

I have moments where I have a spout of confidence. I tell myself that since I believe every body is beautiful that I should apply this thinking to myself. I can get as far as putting the clothes on in my apartment but all it takes is one look.

One look in the mirror and I shut down. Literally. It doesn’t matter if my fiance genuinely thinks I look beautiful or that he doesn’t think my “arms look too big”. If it’s even for one second that I think I look fat then I shut down. I start scream crying. Yelling those ugly words I tell myself.

“I look like a pig. I’m an ugly fat cow.”

No one can get a word in edgewise and even if they could, nothing can bring me back once I’ve gone over the threshold. It’s exhausting and I hate that I react this way. But something just clicks in my mind and I can’t explain what it is. I start to spiral and just feed the horrible thought that starts the tantrum in the first place.

Apologies that this post is short and scatter brained. I haven’t been doing well this past week and I started writing this a few days ago but just didn’t have the motivation to finish. I am currently in that place where doing activities I normally love just have no interest to me or any value. I am worried that sometimes this darkness will keep coming back and it is just exhausting. But I am going to stick with this blog because I think it will really do me some good. Even if it takes months.

Since I started writing this post I have an update on how this side affect has been progressing. I don’t like to be touched at all right now unless absolutely necessary by Sam or anyone else. If it’s at work I try and avoid contact with people but when you have a close knit team like I do then we pat each other on the back or to get someone’s attention we touch their arm. The anxiety I feel is overwhelming.

Mirrors have also become enemy number two. I have started avoiding all mirrors. Even going so far as to look at the floor or wall in restrooms so I don’t have to see my face and arms staring back at me. My brain taking note of all the flaws and features I hate is just too much sometimes. It can really ruin my day.

I will say that mother nature does tend to make things more difficult for me emotionally. She is not a regular visitor for me so she catches me by surprise sometimes. I am hoping this dark period is related at least a little bit to that. Though this dark spell is lasting longer than normal and the side effects are getting more intense every time.

Maybe I will see a pattern across the months as I am writing.

I am sure it will become obvious when I am in a good place v a dark, dark place.

I can hope.

Before I go I will leave you with this. When I started this blog I was in a relatively happy place so my writing had some type of focus and clarity. Be warned that my writing reflects my mood. I feel sick in my mind and like I am struggling to swim to the surface out of the dark. My writing will reflect the journey. My writing won’t always make sense but that’s the whole point. My mental illness won’t make sense to anyone if I can’t even figure it out. As long as I get whatever it is I am looking for out of this blog experiment then that will be everything and more. This is for me. No one else.

If anyone is reading this – until next time.

I wanted to start writing a blog to see if this would help me. I have been struggling with something for a long time but I don’t I haven’t aknowledged what it was until just a few weeks ago. I still feel so weird just typing the words. Eating Disorder.

Wow. Feels like such ugly words. Eating Disorder. When I see those words I see failure. But probably not in the way that you might think. I have failed because I need help, because I have let myself get to such a scary place, and I feel like the biggest failure because I’m not even skinny.

There is one of the biggest misconceptions I will be dealing with over the course of my life. Why do I feel like I try so hard, workout, eat right, and yet still be big. Yes I have an eating disorder. But I am not what someone automatically thinks when they image those words in their mind. I am not this stick thin, ill looking woman who you think needs to eat more. People tell me I am fine, beautiful even just the way I am. Yet all I see is the failure to be that skinny girl that everyone envys.

I am sure this blogging will get easier with time but for the most part it feels like a whining, rambling mess. Maybe the next one will be better.

I will leave you (if “you” is actually anyone but me) with this. I have reached the end of my rope and am desperate for anything to help me feel better. I am hoping that by writing every day about my goals, struggles, aspirations and life events it will help me achieve my goal, obviously related to weight, in a healthy way. But let’s take things one baby step at a time shall we?

To everyone who has been told their ideas about how they think or feel about themselves that it is all in your head, you are not alone.

Until tomorrow.

Tag: Journey

Progressing Side Effect

Ugly Words